


Love, Love, Love

by wontlookaway



Series: The Way Of Love [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-15 06:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16928184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wontlookaway/pseuds/wontlookaway
Summary: She loved him and he loved her. But it is never that simple.





	Love, Love, Love

**Author's Note:**

> This was my contribution to a tumblr challenge by Nobodys-baby-now with the song Love, Love, Love by James Blunt.

**\- Our lives have never been easy. Why should “us” be easy either? –**

**Then**

I'm not looking for us  
and neither should you.

_He wanted to look away, did not want to see her gaze, and yet her eyes caught him. They were wide open in disbelief, fixing him and for a second he thought he recognized the onset of tears in them. No, he really expected tears, but what he actually saw was a thousand times worse. With a soundless "Oh ...", she looked down and the sparkle in her eyes, which he loved so much, died in the same moment._

Absolutely gorgeous  
then nothing I say is true.  
You won't find yourself  
in these guilty eyes

'cause I love anybody who's fool enough to believe  
And you're just one of many who broke their heart on me

_„Seems like happiness really isn’t something for us hunters.”, she said, in an attempted light mood, but failing miserable. And again it isn’t so much the hurt ton in her voice that kills him, but the emptiness behind it._

And so I say I don't love you  
though it kills me  
It's a lie that sets you free.

_He just couldn’t bear to see her like that. His decision was final and it seemed that she didn’t want to fight it, so basically there was no reason for him to stay here. He should say something else, say goodbye, maybe even wish her a nice life, but he was sure that their paths wouldn’t be completely separated. After all, she was a hunter and now almost a constant companion of the Winchesters and he was too involved in their affairs. Yet he couldn’t say another word._

Love, love, love  
I can't take your  
Love, love, love

_And so he didn’t even look at her as he disappeared with a brief rush of his wings._

**Now**

"You look exhausted, you should probably hit the hay," said Dean, as soon as you had entered the bunker again. He was right. If you even looked half as bad as you felt right now, then you really had to look horribly. Every bone in your body hurt and tomorrow morning you would probably be covered in bruises, but you hardly felt that pain. You should take a shower to get rid of the dirt and blood and lie down afterwards. You really should, but it did not matter what you should, as long as you were not exhausted enough to fall dead into your bed and finally escape your head.

"Yeah, I suppose, but I'm still too agitated.", you mumble more to yourself, but Dean heard it anyway. "Yeah, I understand ..." It seemed to be an evening of soliloquy between you and the older Winchester, because even his words seemed more casually than actually addressed to you as he combed for a beer in the fridge. He found one and put a second one a few seconds later in front of your nose.

"I'll see what Sam and the rest of the gang do," he said finally, heading for the library. You knew that he'd purposely only named Sam to avoid mentioning Gabriel’s name, but it doesn’t change anything. He was here, whether Dean wanted to say it or not. And it was a good thing. After all, you could use all the help you could get. At least that was what you tried to convince yourself of.

With a sigh you reached for your beer and curse Dean internally. You would have preferred something stronger to keep your mind from spinning. But since that wasn’t possible now, you decide to do the next best thing that could distract your head (and it was also something more productive than simply get wasted until you could fall into a coma-like sleep): You shuffled off toward the kitchen to bake a pie for the boys and for "the rest of the gang," as Dean had put it so nicely.

__________

The conversation in the library had almost completely died as soon as Dean joined the three others. Not that they had been particularly successful before, but everything that followed seemed to be even less profitable. One reason for this was that Dean had nothing to contribute to the conversation, and the second reason was that after his appearance, Gabriel had practically fallen silent. Dean's presence meant that Y/N was back too, even if the archangel had not seen her yet.

In other words, it was only Sam and Cas who really exchanged ideas and at least tried to work out a plan. But as the success left much to be desired, so the younger Winchester finally turned to his brother.

"Did everything go smoothly?" Sam asked. "That depends on the definition," was the sighed answer from Dean. "We did not get anything useful from the demons, and yes, demons as in more than the one we expected. More like 5 other demons that got us hooked before we could handle them all." There was a brief silence. "So all in all, it wasn’t really smooth ... or successful."

It wasn’t hard to see how ill-humored Dean was and Gabriel was sure he knows why. If he and Y/N were still together, the archangel would surely have accompanied them, whether they had expected only one demon or hundreds.

He was worried if Y/N had remained unhurt, but he did not dare to ask. Dean would have mentioned it otherwise for sure, if not alone so that Castiel could have healed her.

And so he preferred to remain silent, continuing to bow over books and papers that he had not been able to concentrate on since their return.

__________

"Well, how is it going?" Your voice breaks the silence a few minutes later. A mutter from Sam is the only answer you get to your question, as he is still engrossed in a book. Dean, on the other hand, has smelled the pie with which you entered the room. "You're an angel Y/N!", the older Winchester apparently rejoices as you put one of the two plates you brought in with you down in front of him.

The comment was well intended, but a flash of pain shot through your heart, because you tried to oust the presence of at least one of the actual angels at this table as well as possible. But you acted as if nothing had happened and put down the second plate in front of Sam, who was still so deep in his research that he only seemed half aware of it.

"Would you like to have another drink?" You asked, already on the way back to the kitchen. Dean, his mouth already stuffed with pie mumbled something that sounded like yes, Cas nodded and Sam still seemed to be mentally far away. You avoid looking at Gabriel and decide to bring one of the six packs of beer with you right away.

__________

Gabriel had been quiet before, but by the time Y/N entered the library, he was completely silent. She carried two plates, each containing a piece of obviously homemade cherry pie, complete with a fork and a serviette. The archangel can’t help but notice how exhausted and battered the Huntress looks, though her tone sounds as friendly and warm as ever. He couldn’t help but wonder if that was because of the hunt than he could see the blood and filth which were still visible on her clothes and partly in her hair, or if it was because of his presence.

If he was completely honest with himself, he didn’t want to think about it too hard. It had been the right decision to let her go, he knew that, even if it was hard.

So absorbed in thought as he was, the archangel did not notice Y/N's question, nor how she left the room. He only woke up from his mental rigidity when a plate of pie and a beer were placed in front of him.

He looked up in surprise. Y/N had come back loaded with 3 more plates and a six pack beer. After placing a plate on an empty space where she wanted to settle down, she had first provided Castiel with pie and beer and then actually came to him.

She seemed to chat casually with Dean as she placed the food in front of him, apparently ignoring the archangel, but he could not help staring at her with eyes wide open. Even though Y/N pretended to ignore him, she obviously had been thinking of him and that made his heart scream with joy and pain alike.

That's why he always loved the Huntress so much. No matter how bad she felt, how badly someone treated her, how hurt she was, she always cared for the well-being of everyone else first. And that despite the fact that he had taken such radical measures to drive her even farer away from himself after their breakup:

**Then**

_Even though he had known it, this time Gabriel really hated being right. It had been barely a month since he had separated from Y/N and yet he was sitting with her at the same table. Actually, with her and his little brother Castiel. And of course to help the Winchesters, how could it have been any different._

_The diner where he sat with Y/N and Castiel was small, manageable and barely visited. All together good states that could only be beneficial for the mission. Everything was easy to survey and there was little danger of dragging someone else into the hunt. There was only one problem: Nothing happened at all!_

_From early in the morning they had taken their position, at a small niche table in the corner of the diner, from which they had the door and window in view, as well as the counter and the rest of the interior of the bar. They were sure that the witch they were aiming for would come over here to place a hex bag to kill the owner of the diner._

_The mission itself was simple: destroy the hex bag as soon as she hid it and persecute the witch back to her hiding place._

_But she just didn’t show up. Hours had passed. Very unpleasant hours. Y/N was more silent than ever and avoided any eye contact with him and Castiel was not a chatterbox anyway, so time went by like rubber. The occasional clatter of crockery and the quiet conversations of a couple sitting two tables away was the only thing that cut through the silence, and at the moment Gabriel could not stand silence at all. She reminded him too much of the day._

And so I say I don't love you  
though it kills me  
It's a lie that sets you free.

_So while the archangel was involuntarily indulging his thoughts and listening to the giggling couple, the waitress, who had armed herself with a coffee pot and had already refilled his brothers cup, interrupted him._

_“For you also another cup, sweetie?”, she winked at him and stroked a strand of her platinum blond hair behind the ear. She had definitely leaned forward further than necessary and it was clear that she wanted to give Gabriel a particularly good look at her two "main attributes". And why not? "With pleasure, Cutiepie," he whispered back._

_He noticed immediately how Y/N stiffened at his words. But that was all the better. After all, he was the one and only, the Playboy par excellence, what better way to show it to her (and himself) while having some fun._

I will wrap my body  
in other women's arms.  
Make love in a hurry  
feel better than I am.

_So, as the waitress leaned even more forward to refill his coffee and “accidentally” brushed his shoulder with her breasts in the process, the archangel leaned a bit in her direction and mumbled in her ear, "Why don’t you take a short break and I'll keep you company, Sugar? There's not much going on here anyway."_

_His words had been quiet, he had practically whispered them into the waitress’s ear, but when she pulled back and gave him a chuckle, he could see from Y/N's gaze that she, too, had heard him._

Hope you find yourself  
in someone else's eyes  
'cause I love anybody who's fool enough to believe  
And you're just one of many who broke their heart on me

_Without paying any further attention to Y/N, Gabriel stood up and followed the waitress, who had moved unobtrusively towards the back exit and obviously seemed to be waiting for him there._

__________

**Now**

It had been a few more hours that evening before Sam and you had worked out a plan that sounded reasonable and enforceable. However, since you didn’t get the information you were hoping for from the demons, the whole thing was half a suicide mission.

A few days earlier, Castiel had helped you find out in which corner of the city the witch had set up her camp, but you still had no idea what surprises the bitch might have been up for intruders.  
You would find it out, in one way or another.

The sun was already quite low as the Impala approached the abandoned industrial complex where the witch hopefully would not be now. You just wanted her book, so get in and out quickly and everything should be fine. You really hoped that it would actually work that way.

But as so often lately, today was not your lucky day. Although your assumption was correct that the witch would not be here, so had your assumption that she had set traps.  
You had almost reached the book, the Winchesters were a little further back because Sam had gotten hit by one of the traps and Castiel was patching him up right now, as you had to trigger another trap and of course it had to be a fire trap.

The flames were with you before you could have reacted, but luckily enough Gabriel was fast enough. He grabbed you by the arm and faster than you could realize, he had dragged you across half the room, away from the fire and the book, which was now burning brightly.

It was a stupid situation to start discussions, you were well aware of that. It was not the right place nor the right moment, because Gabriels little sprint may have brought you out of harm's way, but that didn’t necessarily mean you were safe. Still, you didn’t care. The adrenaline rushing through your veins made you think little about the consequences. "In Chuck's name, what's wrong with you Gabriel!", You glared at the archangel angrily. "We almost got it! What were you thinking?"

"What I was thinking?", the addressed growled back. "I think I should ask you that question! You almost got killed!"

"So what? Then at least we would have the book! It's not as if it really interests someone, whether I live or die, so it would have been an acceptable price ...", the words had left your mouth even before you thought about it properly. They mirrored what you had felt in the past weeks. Even if you were aware that this was not true. The guys liked you and they would certainly care if something happened to you and so would Gabriel would, but your self-esteem had suffered a bit more than you would ever admit to anyone else.

But unfortunately, the person in front of you was not anyone else, but a very special archangel, before whom you had never been able to hide your feelings very well.

"Never say that again!", Gabriel almost snapped at you and grabbed you by the shoulders, gentler than you would have expected after his shout. "Look at me!" He demands, this time in a much calmer tone, but no less definite. "It would certainly matter if you were hurt, let alone killed. You know that you're almost like a sister to Sam and Dean, and I love you too."

This time it was Gabriel who froze for a moment at his own words. It was the truth, of course, but he really didn’t want to let you know that anymore. After all, you were certainly better off without him, in that certainty he had parted with you. It was clearly not the plan to let you know the truth now.

And it wasn’t a good idea, as he noticed a few seconds later. You had inevitably stiffened at the last words and looked at him first with a confused and then with a definitely angry look.  
"Stop playing with my feelings, just because you're unsure of yours!", You practically shouted at him.

"That's not it! I just wanted you to live a normal life! Something you never could with me!" Again the words had come faster than he could hold them back. Maybe that's why he disappeared without another word back then, afraid of having to discuss everything with you and breaking down.

"Normal life?" You snort contemptuously. "You know me, right? Is it normal to know that monsters really exist? Is it normal to know what their weakness are, how to kill them? Is it normal chasing them? Is it normal to be drawn into the fight between heaven and hell? To live in a bunker? Never knowing if tomorrow could be the last day of the entire existence? And is it normal for me to say that my first and last thought of the day, despite everything, has been yours for years?" Obviously you were in a rage and at the end you became faster and louder, so you literally screamed the last words in his face. It had just been too much. The chasing, almost dying and then that! You were just exhausted.

Gabriel was silent. He just looked at you for a long time, obviously unsure what he should do now. Your reasoning was not completely groundless, but that was not the point. "Is it normal for me to say that my first and last thought of the day, despite everything, has been yours for years?" This sentence played in an endless loop in his mind.

He had tried to stay away from you, to push you away without regard for losses, and yet you still love him so much? Maybe it had been a mistake.

"Y/N, I'm sorry, I ..."

"No!", You interrupted him. "I just can’t Gabriel, not now ..." with these words you pushed past him through the door to the outside, out of the abandoned factory, away from the witch and away from Gabriel. Just away.

__________

He hadn’t stopped her when she had stormed past him. Whether it was the shock of her unexpected behavior, or because the Archangel hadn’t known what he should have said, it wasn’t important anymore.

He could only gaze after her silently, wondering if he had lost his chance forever.

And so I say I don't love you  
though it kills me  
'cause it's a lie

**The End?**

**Author's Note:**

> Suprise, this will not be the end xD I have a prequel and a sequel planed. The prequel already has it's first chapter (I will also upload it here on AO3 a bit later) and the rest will be written, too. So I hope you enjoyed it and hopefully see you in the future.


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